


Dormant

by moosh



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-14
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 08:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/720852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moosh/pseuds/moosh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard's accident has caused a bit of a personality shift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This starts a few days after Richard's accident. For the purpose of this story James is and always has been openly gay and Sarah doesn't exist. (Sorry, gurl.)

Jeremy and James looked and felt absolutely knackered. They'd been wearing the same clothes, sleeping in chairs, and drinking coffee from a vending machine for days. Richard was awake now though, and it seemed like he was going to be all right. Though, his memory was still very foggy and he certainly had his ups and downs. Sometimes he was perfectly with it and other times he had no idea who anyone was and was very, very confused. His brain was still bruised and swollen and there was no telling what, if any, permanent brain damage there was going to be. Right now all that Richard needed was time to rest and recover, and the two of them hanging around looking, and probably smelling, rather offensive wasn't going to help much. It was time for them to go home.

 

Jeremy opened the door to Richard's room cautiously. Richard was sitting up in his bed staring rather blankly at nothing in particular. Mindy was sat in a chair with her head leaning on the back of it, looking pretty knackered herself. She smiled at Jeremy and motioned for him to come in.

 

“I've got the other idiot with me.”

 

“That's fine.” she said with a tired smile.

 

When the two of them entered the room Richard immediately perked up. “Hey guys!”

 

He had a bandage around his head covering his left eye and there was a bit of bruising on his face and on his arms where he had been strapped in, but other than that he looked ok. There was some color back in his face, which was great to see. The first night, when he had been the closest to death, he was as white as the bed sheets.

 

Jeremy sat down in a chair near the foot of the hospital bed while James leaned a bit awkwardly in the bathroom door jamb. Mindy stood up, put her hand on Richard's cheek and turned his head so they were looking right at each other. “Will you be all right if I step out for just a few minutes?”

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“I just need to make a phone call and maybe get a chocolate bar or something, do you want one?”

 

Richard shook his head no.

 

“You'll be all right with them for a few minutes? If not, I can stay.”

 

“No, you can go. I'll be fine, they're my mates, right?” he said with a big grin.

 

“Yes, yes they are. I'll be back soon. If you need anything just ask them.” She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before turning around. “I'll be back in a few minutes guys, I just...I just need to...”

 

James cut her off. “Go on, we'll be fine.” He could sense that she really just needed to get out of the room for a few minutes and get some fresh air, but didn't want Richard to know.

 

“If anything comes up that you can't handle just push the nurse call button, all right?”

 

“Yes, go. Leave.” Jeremy said motioning to the door. Mindy turned and gave Richard a smile before she walked out of the room.

 

Richard sat up more in his bed and swung his legs around the side nearer to the boys. “She's nice, I like her.”

 

“Well that's good mate, since you're stuck with her.” Jeremy said with a laugh.

 

“She's better than most of the others. They come and go, but she stays.”

 

“What others?”

 

“The other nurses. There are so many different ones and it's really confusing. She's always here though.” Jeremy and James shared a concerned look, unsure if they should correct him.”James!” Richard continued, “Why are you standing in the corner like a big daft cock? Come sit here next to me.” he said scooting over a bit and patting the bed. James went to sit down as Richard carried on. “You know who the best nurse is though? That bloke Steven who comes in to draw blood. He has the arse of a Greek God. Whenever he puts that tourniquet on...holy shit.” he said with a slight moan laying back down across the bed.

 

James turned to Jeremy who looked a bit confused, but also seemed to be trying stifle a laugh. “Well, that's...that's good, we'll let him know.” Jeremy chuckled.

 

After a few moments of slightly awkward silence Richard, who was still lying down, spoke again. “So you guys are shoving off, then?” Jeremy answered yes and then immediately started going on about the amount of roadworks around Leeds. Suddenly, James felt Richard's warm hand on his exposed bit of hip. There was a big foot board and a rolling tray at the end of the bed so Jeremy couldn't see what was going on.

 

Richard began making small circles with his thumb which caused James to tense up a bit. He then slipped the thumb under the waistband of James pants and worked his way forward, sending a slight shiver through his body. James, who had completely tuned out Jeremy, looked at Richard who flashed him a very confident, sensual smile. Neither one was paying any attention to anything Jeremy was saying. Richard quickly sat up and whispered into James' ear “Make him leave so we can finally have some time alone.” before reaching his other hand around and grabbing James' crotch.

 

“Hammond, what the bloody hell are you doing?!” James yelled, quickly standing up and almost jumping to the other side of the room. Jeremy, who had definitely caught that, shot up out of his seat just as quickly as James had. No one said anything, and Richard's whole expression changed to that of hurt and confusion. At that moment a nurse, who'd heard James yell, burst in.

 

“Is everything all right in here?”

 

“Yes, we were just getting ready to go.” Jeremy said as Mindy rushed back into the room as well.

 

“What's wrong?” she asked.

 

“Nothing at all, I just think that he's is a little overwhelmed and needs to rest.” Jeremy said as Mindy took a seat next to Richard and put her arm around him. They said their goodbyes quickly and left. Once they were safely past the waiting room, where various members of Hammond clan were still camped out, and onto the lift, Jeremy turned to James “What the fuck was that?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Has he ever made a pass at your before?”

 

“No of course not.”

 

“So, did the knock on his head just suddenly turn him into a raging homosexual?”

 

“That's not really how it works.”

 

“But, he did _actually_ try to grab your gentleman’s sausage, didn't he? And what was that about his nurse's arse?”

 

“I don't know, you were there too! Obviously he's very confused.”

 

Jeremy started cracking up. “Well mate, if you ever wanted to go for it with Hamster you'd better do it quick before he remembers who his wife is.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Richard is _totally_ your type, isn't he?”

 

“Bugger off, the man nearly had his head ripped off a few days ago.”

 

“Oh god, who was that child you were dating for a while? What was his name? Colin? Cameron?”

 

“Christian?”

 

“Yes yes, Christian. He drove that ridiculous little Audi and wore those stupid sunglasses. He was like Richard Hammond's chavier cousin.”

 

“I certainly wasn't with him for the stimulating conversation, if I'm honest.”

 

“Good, because he was a complete wanker.”

 

“You were just jealous because I was able to attract someone young and pretty.” James said with a smug grin. Now both of them started cracking up, which is something they desperately needed. The lift opened in the basement, and they quickly ducked out the emergency exit door that the hospital was letting them use to avoid the press.

 

“That was a bit strange though,” Jeremy continued as they headed toward the garage.“I mean, I've never heard him say anything like that before, have you?

 

“No, and I do think that it's something I'd remember. Maybe he's just really horny, and as I recall, that nurse did have a nice arse.”

 

“Well I wouldn't know anything about that, and I suppose you really can't fault Hammond for failing to resist the fine specimen of man that was sitting right next to him.” Jeremy said motioning to James as they reached the car park.

 

“It is a problem faced by many.”

 

“He's honestly never tried anything before?” Jeremy asked after a moment. “You two have spent a lot of time alone on boats and trains and planes.”

 

“No, really, no. I promise. He is, you know, married to a _woman_.”

 

“Oh, that means nothing. Who was that other chap you were shagging for a while? Nick? Nigel?”

 

“Nathan?”

 

“Yes, that one. He was married to a woman.”

 

“What are you going on about? I don't know why he tried to grab my wedding vegetable but he has done and said a lot of weird things over the last few days. I wouldn't worry about it.”

 

“I know. It was just...odd. I know he's been talking a lot of rubbish, but no matter how big of a knock on the head you get I don't think that you just start hitting on male nurses and grabbing your mate's cockerel when you've shown no interest in men before.”

 

“I've always believed that human beings have the capacity to be attracted to pretty much every other human being.”

 

“Well that's very poetic, but...”

 

“But what? What do you want me to say here? I'm just as staggered as you are. There's no use in trying to analyze it though. It's just Hammond. And his brain is all fucked up and sometimes he thinks we're filming a show and sometimes he thinks he's in space and maybe other times he thinks he's gay. I don't know what's up with him. All I do know is that I want to go home and take a sodding shower, eat a pie, and sleep for about 3 days in my own bed.”

 

“All right. You're right. I'm sure he wont remember anything anyway.”

 

“I'll give you a call when I feel like a human again.” James said with a slight nod before turning and heading to his car.

 

James spent the next two and half weeks trying not to think about Richard. He did love the little git, but it had never been a romantic love. They'd spent a lot of time together over the past few years on and off of Top Gear. Richard would come round to James' house the night before studio days or if he really just needed a night away from toddlers. There had been many afternoons spent rebuilding motorcycles and even more evenings spent getting pissed in the pub and playing darts before coming home to a stack of old AC/DC records with Chinese takeaway. They were mates and they were quite close, but that was it.

 

Sure, James thought that Richard was attractive, and he had caught himself letting his eyes linger a bit too long from time to time, but it was completely innocent. It's not like James had been sitting around for 4 years pining for him. Richard was married and had two adorable daughters who called him _Uncle James_.

 

He'd also prided himself on the excellent _gaydar_ he'd cultivated over the years and Richard never struck him as anything other than hopelessly straight.

 

Jeremy was right though, a knock on the head doesn't turn a man gay. It was reasonable for someone with that kind of an injury to forget who their family and friends were and maybe think that they were in a space shuttle, but you can't just forget to be straight. Had James missed something? The way that Richard had touched him at the hospital had just felt so genuine and it was driving him absolutely crazy. He began obsessing about it. He thought about every intense conversation and all of those nights spent in cars or on boats. After a week of not being able to wank off without thinking about Richard he decided that he needed a distraction. He rang his friend Stuart who was always up for some casual, no strings attached sex after a few drinks. While the two of them had had a fun couple of hours, James found that he couldn't get off without picturing Richard.

 

He was hopeless.

 

When Mindy called and said that Richard really wanted to see him now that they were settled into the new hospital, he hesitated. He didn't know what he wanted Richard to say or do when he saw him. He sort of hoped that Richard wouldn't remember anything and that it would all go away.

 

What confused James that most was the fact that it didn't seem like Richard _only_ fancied him; he'd nearly had a crisis thinking about that bloke Steven. It's reasonably possible for someone to develop feelings for a friend over time, but checking out a chap's arse and discussing it with your mates isn't something that just happens. Certainly not something Richard would have admitted without the aid of morphine and a swollen brain, right?

 

After another few days of over-analyzing everything he'd ever been privy to see Richard Hammond do or say he decided that he needed to just suck it up and go see him. James decided to never mention what happened and he hoped that Hammond would follow suit. He needed to push all of the fantasies out of his mind and work just seeing him as just his tragically straight friend, despite the possibility that there might be some dormant desires in him somewhere.


	2. Chapter 2

“Check mate.”

 

“Bollocks.” Richard said, examining the board and looking for another possible move. “I thought you said you were going to take it easy on me.”

 

“I did.”

 

“That was like eight moves.”

 

“Could havve done it in four.”

 

“When did you become Bobby Fisher?”

 

James chuckled. “I haven't, I've just learned some helpful combinations. I can teach you if you'd like, they're quite simple...”

 

“No no, that's all right. I'm trying to mend my brain, not melt it.” Richard interrupted, holding his hand up to stop him. “We're switching to draughts anyway.”

 

“Suit yourself.” James said with a smile as he watched Richard clear the board.

 

It was good to be here and it was good to see him. Mindy said that he could still lose it sometimes and she'd forbid James from mentioning work, but right now he seemed good. He seemed like himself. He also hadn't mentioned the _incident_ thus far.

 

They'd started off the afternoon with a bit of takeaway curry followed by building a pirate ship out of Lego. Now they'd moved on to board games. Mindy stuck around at first, but once she felt that Richard seemed comfortable she stepped out for a bit. If James had been allowed to bring beer it would have felt like any other day the two of them had spent together.

 

“So. I think I might like to give drawing another go.” Richard said, seemingly out of nowhere.

 

“Drawing what?”

 

“Drawing, you know. Like...drawing _things_. People.”

 

“Well, that's good.” James responded, not sure where this conversation was going, but the tone in Richard's voice felt odd. “What about painting? Isn't that what you went to art college for?”

 

“Yeah, but I started out drawing. A lot, actually. And then sort of transitioned into just painting old cars, you know? I think drawing would be good because it's not too messy. I could go mental at any time and spill paint everywhere and that'd probably make the people here rather a bit cross.”

 

“I'm sure they've had to clean up worse.”

 

They sat in silence for a moment. Richard was clutching the bag of draughts pieces rather tightly while he tried to form his next thought. James started to get a nervous knot in his stomach.

 

“When did Mindy say she'd be back?” Richard asked.

 

“About 4.” It was 3:15.

 

“Right. Do you want to hear about why I quit drawing?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Growing up I had this friend called Will. His father worked for some sort of magazine company. It was his job to go pick up new magazines from the supplier and then drive round to the shops and take the old magazines off the shelves and put the new ones on.”

 

“All right.”

 

“So he always had tons of old magazines in his van and he told me and Will that we could take whatever we wanted as long as we ripped the covers off and left them in the boxes. I think the old ones just got thrown out or something but they needed the covers to count how many had gone unsold. Didn't bother us so we had stacks and stacks of old car and bike magazines without covers, it was great. I think I re-wallpapered my room several times for free. Then one day though when Will and I were about 13 we found a box with a bunch of Mayfairs and Razzles you know, and um...or, maybe you don't know?” Richard was suddenly a bit embarrassed.

 

James rolled his eyes. “Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I'm completely oblivious to magazines containing scantly clad women.”

 

“Right. Of course. Sorry. So...being 13, we were quite excited about this discovery. We nervously pawed through the box and flipped through some of the pages. I was curious, but generally uninterested in what I saw. And then at the bottom of the box there were a few, well, _gay_ magazines. Will was horrified. He pulled one out, opened it up to a random page and then pretended to throw up. He muttered something about 'stupid disgusting queers' and threw it back into the box. We grabbed a few of the others though, being sure to leave the covers intact, and rushed into the house.

 

“I couldn't stop thinking about that magazine though. I didn't even really get a good look at it, but I just...I just, wanted to see more. I ended up staying at his house that night and after everyone had gone to bed, about two or three in the morning, I crept back out to the van and took it and smuggled it home. I kept it buried deep in the back of my closet.”

 

James had the urge say that his closetsounded like an appropriate spot for it, but refrained, and let Richard continue.

 

“Will and I always kept an eye out for another box of those magazines, but we never found one. As a result that one magazine got...got a lot of mileage, you know?” He said with a squeak of embarrassment in his voice.

 

“Right about that time was also when I started getting really into art. I was in the advanced classes at school and we started to learn a bit of figure drawing. It was something that I'd always messed around with a bit, but once I learned how to do it properly I found that I really enjoyed it. I asked my teacher after class one day how I could get better at it. She told me the best way to do it would be to take classes where there were live models. She even started to recommend some places nearby, but I told her that my parents would never pay to let me sit around staring at naked people. She then suggested, rather playfully, that I could also copy pictures from the magazines that I surely had stashed under my mattress. And that's what I started doing. I must have tried to draw every man in that magazine two or three times before I started free-handing a bit. I drew things that I...you know, that I wanted to see. I had hundreds of them.”

 

He stopped for a moment and James kept his eyes on him, not sure what to say. Obviously he hadn't forgotten what happened two and a half weeks ago in Leeds.

 

Richard took a deep breath and went on. “One night I went into my room and my dad was sitting on my bed with the box full of drawings. Apparently my little brother Andy had found the box and showed it to him. And I don't blame Andy for being freaked out because a lot of the drawings were a bit...raunchy.”

 

He bit his lip, took a second, and continued again.

 

“I know my dad might seem really great, but he's not. He's terrifying. He has this temper that just snaps and you don't want to be anywhere near when it does, but that's what happened. He just snapped. He screamed at me for keeping that trash in the house. Said something about how he wasn't going to allow his one fairy-boy of a son turn the other two as well, and then he just...he just beat the shit out of me. He said he refused to raise one of his sons to be a fucking queer and that I needed to cut it out if I knew what was good for me and so on. So I did. I realize this might sound a little over dramatic, but...you just, you should have seen what he did to me. I mean, he'd shoved me into walls a bit before, but never anything like this. He had me on the ground at one point and just kept kicking...I told people at school that I'd gotten mugged.”

 

“So that's why you never pursued... _drawing_?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“But, you're still interested in _drawing_?”

 

“Very much so. I think about it all the time. But I...I figured out how to make myself interested in other things.”

 

“ _Painting_ , for example?”

 

“You can stop with the euphemisms, but yeah. That's what happened. This accident though...I almost died. I should have died. My neck should have broken as soon as that sodding car flipped. Yet here I am, and I've just been thinking a lot about the decisions that I've made and it's all just so fucked. I'm sorry, by the way.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For coming at you like that in Leeds. And in front of Jeremy. I was confused and I let my guard down I guess.” Richard said finally putting down the bag of draughts pieces he'd been clutching and standing up. He began to pace. “I think I'm going crazy. Have you ever just felt, like, every single emotion at once? Everything good and everything horrible and everything else in between just attacking you at the same time?”

 

James stood up “Richard, I...I...”

 

Richard quickly crossed to James, put his hands on both sides of his face and kissed him. James' knees began to buckle and he started to give in to the kiss before remembering where they were. He shoved him away and sternly said “Hammond stop! We can't do this.”

 

They stared at each other for a moment. Richard was turning red with anger and tears started streaming down his face. “Fuck. Fuck! Fuck this!” he snapped. He turned and flipped the table they'd been sitting at earlier and then started kicking over a few flimsy shelves of books and games before collapsing onto the ground in tears. James kneeled down next to him and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Don't you fucking touch me!” he yelled pushing James away rather violently. Just then a rather large male nurse barged into the room.

 

“What's going on in here Mr. Hammond?” he asked moving toward him. Richard stood and charged at him, but the nurse was much bigger and quickly pinned him to the bed. Richard was squirming and trying to fight him off while the nurse called for someone named Sheila who came in and gave Richard an injection. James couldn't help but think how hot it was seeing Hammond pinned to the bed by that bloke. _Christ, what's wrong with me?_ he thought.

 

When Richard was finally subdued, the nurse turned to James. “You all right?” he asked offering a hand and pulling him to his feet.

 

“Yes, I'm fine. Thank you.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“We were just having a conversation and it got a bit too intense. I'm sorry, I'll help you clean up.”

 

“No, you should go wait outside.”

 

“Why? He's asleep now.”

 

“We can handle this. Really, go wait outside.”

 

James obeyed, retreated into the hall and collapsed into a chair just outside of the room. A million things were running through his head and it was all too much to process.

 

When Mindy finally turned up and caught sight of James in the hall she knew instantly that something had happened. He didn't tell her about their conversation, but he did say that he thought it best that he not see Richard again until they returned from Scotland at the end ofNovember. Mindy agreed, and as he was leaving she pulled him in for a big hug. James didn't particularly enjoy hugs, but they both clearly needed it. Their embrace ended with Mindy saying “I promise he's going to get better, James. We're all going to make it through this.”

 

He felt immediate guilt and wanted to tell her everything. “I'll see you in a couple of weeks.” was all he managed though. “Call me if you need anything at all.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He nodded and bowed a bit to say goodbye before turning and heading out of the hospital. He had no idea what to do now.

 

 


End file.
